Love Lost
by Acel Myst
Summary: A little songfic from Chichi's perspective. What is it like to be Goku's wife? Or, more to the point, his widow? The song is "Windows on a Train" by Jessica Andrews.


_It felt like just a moment_

_The way they never last_

_Where were you going that you had to leave so fast?_

The house is so empty now.  Everything's so quiet…I hadn't realized how much of a difference having you here made. It strikes me now that though you were quiet, you were always a presence here.  There are still echoes of that here, in every board and nail in the house you built.  I think the happiest I ever saw you outside of a spar was when you were working on this house…you just seemed content, working with your hands, bringing something new into the world.  That's why I think maybe you can appreciate the way I feel about Gohan…Gohan.  He reminds me so much of you as a child.  It seems like just moments ago I was laying eyes on you for the first time, so clueless and handsome and strong and wonderful...the picture is still so clear in my mind….

_We were supposed to wake up_

_One day when we were older_

_Holding on forever_

_But we flew past each other_

I still don't understand how this happened.  I knew you weren't reliable, but to go off and never come home?  Don't you understand how a married man is supposed to act?  He's supposed to provide for his family, take care of them…he's supposed to stay by his wife's side, not run off!  Why can't you understand that?  Why couldn't you stay here with me, with Gohan?  What, you think we can just keep going like you didn't leave?  If that's what you think, you're even more of a fool than I thought before.  I tried to hold on to you…but you just slipped through my fingers…like trying to hold onto a hand full of sand.  But I did try…why didn't you?

_Like windows on a train_

_The flashing of a frame_

_I can't hold on but I can't let go_

_A snapshot in my mind_

_Of a love that's stuck in time_

_I saw it slip away_

_Windows on a train_

I don't know why you couldn't stay, but I know when I realized you wouldn't.  You were out chopping wood, and I was watching you while I washed the dishes.  You stopped to wipe your face—it was so hot that day, I was sweating inside in the shade…I remember the way the drops felt trickling down my spine and between my breasts.  You looked up at that broad, hot blue sky and that wild look came into your eyes…that longing, that hunger.  I don't know what it is, but I know what it means.  A breeze came in the window, light and fleeting as a kiss goodbye, and I could feel the sand slipping through my fingers; I could see you slipping away from me.  I shivered in spite of the heat…just stood there, trembling, until you came in.  The door startled me and I dropped a plate.  As it shattered I felt my heart crack, ready to break.  I was afraid…. I hate being afraid.   I hate showing it even more, so I yelled at you about the plate.  And the whole time I was yelling, I wanted to fall into your arms and cry like a child and let you comfort me and tell me you loved me.  It was like that most times I yelled…I wanted you to hold me and wipe my fear away…but you couldn't know that, I guess.  And so I just yelled, and called you a fool and a nuisance for breaking one of my good plates.  It was your fault, I suppose…but it was a fault of nature rather than action, wasn't it?  I suppose you couldn't help wanting to be gone…but then again, you didn't have to go….

_I'm not sure what happened_

_But here I am alone_

_Trying to find a way_

_To find a reason that you're gone_

Why Goku?  Why?  Is it some wanderlust bound to your Saiya-jin blood?  Why weren't you happy at home?  What did you need that you couldn't find with me and your son?  Why?  Why?  What…what was it?  What didn't I give you?  Why couldn't I make you content to stay home?  I know I yelled but…well…I was so afraid.  Every time you left the house you made me afraid you wouldn't come back to me…and I love you so much, Goku…I don't know how to live without you.  If there was something you wanted from me, something you needed, something that would make you stay…all you had to do was ask.  I would have given you anything!  I already gave you all I could think to…I cleaned for you, cooked for you, gave you my sweat and blood, my love, my heart, body, and mind…my soul.  I worshiped you Goku…did I not let it show enough?  Kami knows I tried; I did everything I knew to do to show you that I lived for you.

_I don't know if I'm shaking_

_From the rhythm of these wheels_

_Or if it's my heart breaking_

_This is how it feels_

I broke another plate when it hit me that you had left me for real.  I was more terrified than ever before, but even then—or maybe especially then—I couldn't bear to be afraid.  I told myself I was angry…I screamed and yelled and broke half the dishes in the cupboards.  And with the breaking of every plate, Goku, with the jingling of glass from every thrown cup, I felt my heart break into tinier and tinier pieces, until they were so small there was no hope of ever fitting them together again.  Then I was too exhausted to pretend, and I fell…I landed on my knees in the midst of all that chaos and wreckage.  I didn't even feel the glass slide into my flesh…it was nothing compared to the blinding pain in my heart.  It still hurts Goku, every moment of every day.  Even in my dreams….  The only time it doesn't hurt is in brief moments now and then, when I wake up in the darkness and smell your spicy, musky scent on the air and feel your strong arms wrapped tight around me…then I feel safe, and warm, and whole.  And then I come completely awake alone in the black, our bed cold and empty.  And then I relive that moment where my heart broke all over…I lose you over and over again.  Every moment I think of something to tell you, or to ask you; every time I want your arms around me (which is every minute of every day) my heart shatters again.  I can't put my world back together….

_Like windows on a train_

_The flashing of a frame_

_I can't hold on but I can't let go_

_A snapshot in my mind_

_Of a love that's stuck in time_

_I saw it slip away_

_Windows on a train_

Damn you Goku!  Why did you do it?  You selfish, selfish man!  You ignorant fool!  Didn't you love me at all?  Couldn't you have thought of someone else?  You want to protect the world, but why didn't you protect me?  You left me here all alone, so broken I can scarcely live from day to day.  Don't I matter?  I adored you, worshiped you, and you didn't care!  You just walked away and never came back.  Damn you, there had to be another way!  You could have found another way if you tried!  You're not stupid, Goku, I know you better than that.  Foolish, naïve…but not stupid.  You could have found another way…you didn't have to leave me here all alone.  I can barely climb out of bed in the morning!  I'm barely alive without you here.  I'm not whole anymore, Goku.  When you left, you took something with you…my heart.  My soul.  But my body is still trapped here, and may you be damned for torturing me like this!  I would have followed you to the grave if I could…but someone had to look after Gohan…if I don't lose him too….  And what about Gohan?  For Kami's sake, he's your son!  Your own flesh and blood, and you abandoned him.  Don't you think he needs a father?  How am I supposed to raise him alone?  I can't do this without you Goku!  I can't!

_I'm on my way to kneel down with the truth_

_And with my black dress on to say_

_Goodbye to you_

I'm sorry…I didn't mean to get hysterical.   But I'm so afraid Goku…I didn't know I could be so afraid.  I know you had your reasons for what you did but…Goku, I'm not ready for you to be gone.  I still need you…I've always needed you.  I don't know what to do with myself…I cook so much more than I need to now.  It never used to be enough.  You were my whole world Goku…the center of my life.  You were my everything…. And now that you're gone, I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I'm drifting—there's no course to travel anymore.  How can I live for you if you're gone?  I try to say goodbye, to move on…but I can't….

_Like windows on a train_

_The flashing of a frame_

_I can't hold on but I can't let go_

_A snapshot in my mind_

_Of a love that's stuck in time_

_I saw it slip away_

_Windows on a train_

The cherries are in bloom…I brought some blossoms.  I know you love it when the cherries bloom….

I still cry.  When I'm lying in bed at night, wide awake…a breeze will creep through the window, as soft and tender as your loving touch in the dark, and the tears spring up again.  I still cry for you…and I know, until I feel your touch again, I always will.


End file.
